Cleanup in Aisle Six!
by Nova-chan
Summary: Xelloss, Lina, and the rest are trying to find the claire bible in a mall. Xelloss is attacked by a rabid salesgirl and stuffed animals take over the others.


Cleanup in Aisle Six Chapter 1  
  
  
  
Author: Nova-chan  
  
E-mail: IlovemenoV@aol.com  
  
Rating: G  
  
Series: Slayers  
  
Summary: Ah, yes, Xelloss: one of my favorite people to pick on. As he embarks on an adventure to the mall with Lina, Gourry, and Zelgadis, what horrors are in store for him? It wouldn't be so bad if he hadn't gone into a certain store, where a certain woman, bent on a certain mission, was determined to "help" him. Will he find Lina and the others before the saleswoman drives him insane? Will he allow her to "help" him? Is he just gonna go crazy and end up in a mental institution??? (Psst, this is the part where you read to find out! ^_^)  
  
Disclaimer: If I owned Slayers, I probly wouldn't be writing fanfics about it, now would I?  
  
  
  
  
  
"Miss Mary Mack!" the manager of a store screamed at his employee who had fallen asleep. "I'm sick and tired of you sleeping on the job! The next customer who comes in here had better have your full attention! You'd better help them to the best of your abilities! If not, or if they are unsatisfied, you will be fired!"  
  
Mary Mack nodded meekly and straightened her hair. "Yes, Mr. Purplelephant." Her manager went back to his office.  
  
__If I lose this job, I'll never have enough money to buy the life-size cardboard image of Ricky Martin!!__ Mary exclaimed in her head.  
  
"You just wait, Mr. Purplelephant! I'll be the most bestest helper to the next lucky person who comes in!" she declared to no one in particular.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Look guys!" Gourry shouted, in the food court. He had shoved two French fries up his nose. "I'm a walrus!"  
  
"Gourry!" Lina shrieked. "Don't waste food! I could've eaten those!"  
  
"Oh, here, you can have them," he offered, pulling the mucus-infested fries out of his nose.  
  
"No, that's oh-kay, Gourry. I'll just eat the ones that haven't been in anyone's nose," she said, dryly.  
  
Zelgadis was timidly sipping his coffee. Xelloss was hovering above them, watching Lina and Gourry engage in one of their daily food fights.  
  
Once they had finished everything that was on the table, Lina said, "Well, come on, Zelgadis, that old woman said that the Claire Bible is in some store." She turned a map around and upside-down trying to make it out. "I can't figure this thing out! I guess we should split up to cover more ground. I'll go with Gourry. Zelgadis you-"  
  
"I'll go by myself," Zelgadis interrupted, glaring at the grinning Mazoku.  
  
"Oh-kay, and if anyone else wants to help," Lina cried, aiming for Xelloss, but getting the attention of everyone in the food court, "check around in some stores and meet us back here at sunset!"  
  
Xelloss chuckled as the three retreated going in two directions. "Well, I guess if I find the Claire Bible, I get to keep it." He teleported.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
.and reappeared in front of a little shop with some books in it. "I guess this is a good place to start from." He shrugged.  
  
Walking in, Xelloss looked around at some of the shelves. Before he could react, a brown-haired teenager seemingly appeared right beside him.  
  
"Aah!" he cried.  
  
"HI! My name is Mary Mack and I'm here to help, so if you need any help don't hesitate to ask because helping is what I'm here for and I only live to serve and help and did you know that we're having a sale today, that's right if you buy one book you get another one free and I'm so very glad that you've decided to come to Purplelephant's Books!" She huffed, out of breath.  
  
Xelloss raised an eyebrow. "Purplelephant's Books?"  
  
"Where everyone is special."  
  
"Ooookay."  
  
"So what can I help you with??" Mary asked, eagerly.  
  
"Oh, nothing. I'm just looking around," he answered, going about his business.  
  
Mary's eyes glowed red. "I SAID WHAT CAN I HELP YOU WITH," she said in a demonic, almost ET-like voice.  
  
Xelloss stared at her. "You're a very disturbed person, aren't you?" he wondered.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Lina! I wanna ride the merry-go-round!" Gourry whined.  
  
"Come ON, Gourry! We don't have time for this!" Lina insisted.  
  
"Oh, please!"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"Prettiest of please?"  
  
"NOOOO!!!"  
  
"Pretty please with sugar and ice cream and chocolate syrup and M&M's and whipped cream and little chunks of pineapple and marshmallows and dolphins and sea monkeys and Winnie the Pooh and Tigger too and sandwiches and."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Zelgadis calmly searched through a toy store for the Claire Bible. He saw a mountain of plush toys, and thought he saw something resembling a book sitting under a tiny stuffed zebra. He picked up the zebra, causing an avalanche of stuffed animals to fall on top of him. As if that wasn't bad enough, some little kids thought that the toys had come alive and were currently running away from the plush teddy bears and bunnies while their parents stepped forward to see what had happened.  
  
Zelgadis plopped a hand out of the pile, trying to pull himself out. A rather large woman hit his hand with her purse, thinking it was a snake or something that might hurt her children. Zelgadis quickly pulled it back in.  
  
"Ow."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Xelloss inched away from Mary Mack, but everytime he did, she only inched closer. He picked up a book.  
  
"That book is on sale for $8.95 and is about two star-crossed lovers who have strange dreams about different people than themselves only to be torn apart from each other by their own dreams and be rejoined by the people of their dreams who fall in love with each other instead of the lovers and the lovers fall back in love with each other only to find that Natalie is pregnant with Josh, the farm hand's baby so her lover, Gary, decides to leave her to chase after the milk delivery girl but then later both Josh and the milk delivery girl die and Gary returns to Natalie to find that she has had a DNA test proving that the baby is actually Gary's then when they are about to kiss a big meteor hits them on their heads and they get amnesia and end up in different hospitals and somehow by some miracle they find their way back to each other and share a passionate kiss before they both die of influenza," Mary said, quietly.  
  
"YOU RUINED THE ENDING!!" Xelloss yelled.  
  
"Oh, my goodness! I'm sorry Sir!!" Mary pulled out the Men In Black flashie thing and flashed Xelloss. (Eee.YOU HENTAI!! She flashed him with the flashie thing.you know, the little silver thingie that.that they use to flash people.oh, forget it.)  
  
Xelloss looked around, dumbfounded. "Where am I? Who am I? Why am I holding a stick?"  
  
Mary pulled out a big book entitled, "The Xelloss Metallium Biography." (On sale for only $9.95.)  
  
"You are in Purplelephant's Books, your name is Xelloss Metallium, and.this.doesn't say ANYTHING about that stick."  
  
"Oh.waitaminute! You flashed me with the flashie thing!" he exclaimed. "Why??"  
  
"Because I accidentally spoiled the ending of the book for you," Mary whispered.  
  
"What book?"  
  
"."  
  
"."  
  
".the one in your hand."  
  
He looked at the book. "Oh, heh-heh, THIS book."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
".and bunnies and sprinkles and twinkies and musical interludes and pom- poms and hearts and candles and staplers and nail decoration kits and peanuts and birthday cake and little pink hairbows and little blue and purple gis and pasta and baby booties."  
  
Lina raised an eyebrow. "Baby booties?"  
  
"Yes," Gourry confirmed.  
  
"What kind of sick world do you live in?"  
  
"."  
  
"."  
  
".the same one as you?" He shrugged.  
  
"Could you explain to me what a `baby booty' is?"  
  
"The cute lil shoes that babies wear."  
  
Lina sweatdropped. "What kind of sick world do __I__ live in?"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"WE MUST NOT LET IT ESCAPE!!" the same woman who had whacked Zelgadis' hand exclaimed, rallying the other mothers.  
  
Zelgadis sighed. "What have I done to deserve this?' he wondered.  
  
The women shooed their children and strapped on G.I. Joe combat helmets.  
  
The leader shouted, "ATTACK!!!"  
  
Zelgadis shrieked and tried to get away from the toys, but his foot was caught under a giant fluffy dinosaur that had the words "Gimme a hug!" written on its stomach.  
  
"Why me?" he asked, as he was pummeled by various large women who thought they could get more out of it if they used their umbrellas, boots, shopping carts, etc, to beat the "snake."  
  
Zelgadis scrambled to his feet and ran out of the toy store. He panted, with his eyes bugging out. He peeked into the store to see the women still hitting the area he was in. They couldn't tell what they were doing anyway because of the cartoon cloud of dust.  
  
"Phew!" Zelgadis exclaimed. He casually walked into another store. What he saw was not a store. He looked around to see a sign that said, "Chuck E. Cheese's."  
  
"Oh.I feel another migraine coming on."  
  
  
  
  
  
Xelloss stared at Mary Mack. "You know what? I'm just going to leave. You don't seem to have what I need here. Goodbye." He began to walk out the door, but didn't get too far because Mary attached herself to his leg.  
  
"Hey!" he shrieked. "What's the big idea??"  
  
"YOU HAVEN'T LET ME HELP YOU SIR!! I __MUST__ HELP YOU!" she shouted.  
  
"Let go!" He tried to kick her off to no avail.  
  
"JUST LET ME HELP YOU FIND THE ITEM YOU ARE SEARCHING FOR!!"  
  
"NO!"  
  
Slowly, Xelloss inched his way out of the store and into the open mall where about three thousand people currently walked about.  
  
Xelloss conjured up his best feminine voice and screamed, "Help, help! I'm being raped!"  
  
This got the attention of everyone within a three hundred foot radius. He expected Mary to ashamedly let go, but she stayed latched on. That is why he got the wrong reaction from the people.  
  
A woman walked forward, her eyes glowing red. "YOU PERVERT! LEAVE THAT POOR GIRL ALONE!!" She slapped Xelloss across his face.  
  
A middle-aged man pried Mary away from Xelloss and took her off to get medical aid and probably psychological help, as well.  
  
That is when the bloodbath began.  
  
Xelloss didn't know what hit him. All he heard were screams of, "HENTAI!" and "YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED!!" as he was pummeled senseless.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"COME ON, GOURRY!" Lina yelled. "We haven't even looked for the Claire Bible yet! Now let's go!"  
  
"Oh, oh-kay," he complied, looking sadly at the happy children riding the merry-go-round.  
  
Lina was about to open her mouth to say something, when suddenly, "DID YOU KNOW THAT EIGHT PEOPLE ____DIE_____ EVERY YEAR FROM HAVING COKE MACHINES FALL ON THEM????"  
  
"WHAT?" she shrieked, horrified.  
  
Lina stared at a young man, with a twitching eye, and a tall, slender figure.  
  
"Why, yes," he continued. "And did you know, __Miss__ that YOU could prevent this?"  
  
"Is that a fact?" she wondered, uncaring.  
  
"Yes, of course!" the man exclaimed. "YOU can support the Perriwinkle Coke Machine Prevention Agency in our fight to save those eight people every year. Donations start at $6,000."  
  
"For-get it!" She began to walk away.  
  
"Now, MISS, you don't want me to have to get rough with you, now do you?"  
  
"Are you threatening me, buddy???"  
  
"Why, yes. Yes, I am."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Zelgadis stared at the evil power-hungry place of torment. (AKA-Chuck E. Cheese's.)  
  
"I think I'll just quit while I'm ahead," he whispered, about to run away.  
  
"HI THERE FRIEND!" yelled an extremely-way-too-Barney-ish voice.  
  
Zelgadis gawked in horror at the rat that stood in front of him, arms outstretched.  
  
"Help," he said, meekly.  
  
"NOW, COME ON, --FRIEND-I WANT YOU TO MEET THE OTHER PIZZA PALS!" The giant mouse grabbed Zelgadis' hand and dragged him toward the stage.  
  
Zelgadis' pupils enlarged as he saw a gigantic yellow bird, a creepy purple.thing, and other "pizza pals."  
  
"WHY DON'T YOU JOIN US FOR OUR FINAL NUMBER FOR THE HOUR?" Chuck E. Cheese suggested.  
  
"Oh, no I couldn't impose," Zelgadis replied, nervously.  
  
"AW, SHUCKS, KID! WE'D LOVE TO HAVE YOU!" the evil demon rat exclaimed.  
  
"I'm.thrilled."  
  
  
  
  
  
Xelloss sat up after all the angry people had run away. "Itai." He brushed himself off and was about to walk away when he heard shouting in the distance.  
  
"SIR!! SIR!! I CAN __STILL__ HELP YOU!!"  
  
"Oh my badness," he yelped, "she's going to smother me with evil goodness."  
  
Suddenly, he felt a hand clamp onto his shoulder.  
  
"Now, SIR, you have to let me help you," said a chilling voice. "I can help you find any book you want. All you have to do is tell me."  
  
Xelloss looked at Mary Mack straight in the eyes. His bottom eyelid twitched nervously. "You can help me." He started giggling, maniacally. "Yes, yes, you can help me find the Claire Bible."  
  
"Right away!!" she shrieked, running off.  
  
"There. That takes care of that." He was about to leave when he felt a presence behind him.  
  
"Here ya go!!" Miss Mary Mack had a glowy circle thingie. (Which is what the Claire Bible looks like)  
  
"Aah!" Xelloss shrieked, running away.  
  
"WAIT!!! TAKE THIS! TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT!!!"  
  
He stopped and sighed. "Oh-kay." He took the Claire Bible from her. "Thank you. You've been most helpful," he said, sarcastically.  
  
"Why, thank you sir!!" She ran back into the store talking about her Ricky Martin poster.  
  
"Finally!!" Xellos cried, falling down on his knees. "Ah, yes, Claire Bible. Hmm.what do I want to ask it? Oh, yes, Claire Bible!!"  
  
"Yes?" it responded.  
  
"What is the average speed of an African swallow in flight?"  
  
"25.3 mph."  
  
"Thank you!!"  
  
"Can I.go now?"  
  
"Huh? Oh, sure."  
  
"Oh-kay." The Claire Bible disappeared.  
  
"Now, I wonder where Lina-chan and everyone else is."  
  
  
  
  
  
The smoke cleared around Gourry and Lina. "Hah! Threaten me, will he?" Lina laughed. "Let's go Gourry. Gourry? GOURRY!!"  
  
"WEEEE!!" Gourry cried, riding the merry-go-round.  
  
Lina gaped at her accomplice who was having the time of his life on a plastic horse.  
  
"Gourry!!" she exclaimed, exasperated.  
  
"Just a second, Lina!!" he called back.  
  
"Hello, Lina-chan!" a voice shrieked from right behind her.  
  
"Aahh!!" She clutched her heart. "XELLOSS!! YOU FRUITCAKE!! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING SCARING ME OUT OF MY MIND??"  
  
"Just having fun."  
  
"Did you find the Claire Bible?"  
  
"Sore wa himitsu desu."  
  
"I should have known."  
  
  
  
  
  
"May the Chuck E. Cheese puppets present to you, Chuck E. and the.err.other puppets!!" an announcer called to the cheering kids eating pizza in the audience.  
  
The curtain flew up and there, among the dancing birds and mice, stood Zelgadis.  
  
"I hate my life, I hate my life, I hate my life."  
  
  
  
  
  
"Lina!! I'm hungry again!!" Gourry whined.  
  
"Well, tough cookies!! Waitaminute.so am I.let's go get something to eat!" Lina exclaimed.  
  
"I want pizza!!"  
  
"Me too!!"  
  
  
  
  
  
Zelgadis looked around. Nothing could possibly be worse than this, he thought to himself.  
  
"Woo-hoo!! Zelly-chan!!"  
  
He looked out into the audience. There, with a video camera in hand, was Xelloss, waving stupidly at him.  
  
"I hate my life, I hate my life."  
  
  
  
-WHAT'D YA THINK???? How was it? Hope everyone enjoyed!! I'm taking ideas for my next fic! NO IDEA WILL BE TURNED DOWN!!  
  
-Nova-chan 


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